What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 05:00
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I will be 64.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was very sick at this time too.
When she asked me how she looked .
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Consequuntur dolor explicabo ipsa autem vel eos et.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot live in the past .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was in good health!
I could never make a relationship work though!
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was seconnd youngest,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Who then, do I blame.?
She loved him until the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Comes on , in middle age.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So whats the point in blame.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It was going to be , some day.
She wouldn,t have been !
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I said to her
We were not on the streets..
Ive learnt so much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My family never makes their pension either.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
What did i know ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He knew the spot.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I write beautiful poetry .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i do to all so called friends.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why did i forgive my father ?
All the time i was locked up.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is soul school!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was 9 years of age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im still living with it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My life is so biszare .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I have no regrets .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Would this be the day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I think the readers, may guess!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She found it foreign!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So, i spoilt her more .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Especially a lifetime of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Put me off passion for life!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I waited trembling.
But it wasn’t much.
And i lived it daily.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But, we were locked up after school.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was scared of men, in general
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I couldn’t, believe it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She married twice! .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I don,t even have a pension.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.